Monday, April 27, 2015

The True Me

I very much wanted my students to appreciate me the same way I do. But then, given our limited contact, it would be virtually impossible to have even one meeting where we are just going to joke around. Their vitality and their joys give life to my otherwise mundane existence. They give me hope and confidence in myself. Their joys give me strength, their life give me life. And I love them for it. If only they would know how I really appreciate each of them and that the façade I have shown them in our very first meeting is just that, a façade. And that behind it is a soul that craves for life and freedom as much as they do. Then it would be my happiness. I would remember not the scores they got in the requirements I have them but their happiness, their innocence, their child-like wonder at the world. And now they made me fully realize that my purpose in the next years of my life is to take care of them, to guide them and to encourage them no matter how small our age gap may be. They made me feel that I am doing something right in my life and that I made the right decision in choosing not only as my profession but also my life.

It may sound so corny to my rational mind, but then seeing them laugh inside and outside of my classroom are the things I treasure most in my heart. It’s their life which gives me life, it’s their laughter that makes me laugh it’s their naïveté and native intelligence that  tell me that not all is lost. I don’t want to grow indifferent to them to answer their harmless inquiries with sarcasm that most of my colleagues have used to them. I would, in all my capabilities answer them sensibly, treat them maturely and to make them feel that they have a sister in me, if not a parent (because hey, I am just seven years older).

If only I could touch their lives the same way my teachers did to me when I was a student myself, then I would be happy. If only I could influence them to become teachers themselves, given their family backgrounds, I’m pretty sure that none would do so. So with that, I’ll just be here, waiting for them to grow up and realize their dreams, hoping that I may have, even infinitesimally, contributed to their well-being.

It is often said that teaching is the noblest profession and I would have to thank my students this ring in me so true.
continue reading The True Me

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Confused to No End

Why do I still like you? I am not supposed to like you anymore. My colleague already told me that you are gay. But still, I’m infatuated (I don’t want to say in love, because I’m not even sure if this is love I am actually feeling) with that nose, with those eyes and with that air of confidence. I already feel sick in the stomach as I type this. But what can I do? I miss you sending me messages and liking my posts in Facebook. I think that in a way, subconsciously or not, you already know that I am falling. And in a way, it’s good. It’s good too that you will already be transferred to another year level, at least, I would be able to concentrate fully in my work next school year. I would forget. But of course, you will be missed and I am sure I wouldn’t be the only one missing you in the faculty room. I would miss your morning bantering with other faculty members. But it’s for the better. It’s for my neck.

I think I got sloppy. I got close. Maybe I liked the idea of me being infatuated with you. I know subconsciously that sooner or later, I would actually fall. And I just shoved it at the back of my mind, but still, that subconscious was yelling and shouting and moving in spasms. Until I did.

And I actually feel very happy that it was later. Or else, I would’ve made a fool of myself.

So there, I was actually already accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have already fallen for you. However, with what I have learned from my friend, I got all the more confused. It’s already confusing for me having this feeling for you, seeing that we’re getting closer. But then, if what my friend said was true, then what would be the use of me falling? So I am here left with the feeling of getting my willpower to stop myself from falling. Only the question is, how do you stop yourself from falling when you have already fallen?

This hurts.

I will sleep this through.

But I am still confused.

continue reading Confused to No End

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Saturday, April 4, 2015