Scatterbrained 2014

I collected some of my poems and here it is! You can download it for free! :)

Writing Jog

I am writing this as a sort of a writing exercise before I finally continue writing my graduate school paper. Which is, by the way, I think I'm halfway through.

As much as I want to believe that I am doing well in this paper, I think I am sucking at it. And to think again that it rained earlier, thus, making me to lazy to get out of the house, buy a cup of coffee at some random coffee shop and type away makes me want to panic all the more. And the fact that this paper is to be submitted on Thursday and the fact that for the first time in forever, my professor decided to be as free and as limiting with this paper at the same time boggles the mind as well.

This paper is supposed to trace the hows and the whys of what we write, and looking at what I have written so far, my paper is starting to look like a writing autobiography. I haven't even started injecting the epistemologies that my professor was asking us to make explicit there.

I missed the chance of being with my friends in Baguio this sembreak because of this paper. Hopefully this paper will make sense to my professor.

I am not making sense, time to get back to work.

I hope this sem just ends. I hope this year ends already.


Smothered

What I feel for him
Is entirely forbidden
I must never ever
Overstep my boundaries.
I will always be near
But that is the only distance
I will only be able to bear
To stop myself
From doing my undoing.
What I feel for him
Is truly forbidden.
I must never.
Must, must.
Never.
Ever.
Touch.
Him.

I Can't Find the Words

In a fit of fleeting unmindfulness
Your name is written
With a wish that the ink
Will make you breathe life

This is the only thing that this mind can do
Whisper declarations that no one will hear
Write your name in a dream
In the face of a forbidden reality

Your name is written on a piece of paper
Hoping that the ink will capture you,
All of you.
This is the only thing that this mind can do
You become a reality through my words

And my words alone.

Looking Forward, Looking Beyond

So, it's another school year once again here at my side of the planet where everyone is going nuts in that K to 12 brouhaha and the impending academic calendar shift. The changes are really starting to be felt by everyone here in my school. With all of these educational reforms, we also have to battle, I particularly, some several personal challenges in the profession.

1) After four years of not having a class of my own (a form class, an advisory class or whatever-you-call-it class), I was given one for my fifth year of teaching. I never thought that I will be given one since I've expected that I won't be given any, mainly because of my status in the school. It was just so sudden. I'm currently not loving it, mainly because I just do not have the patience to deal with 40+ student needs and personalities ALL AT THE SAME TIME and multiply it by two because of the parents. My profession is very people-oriented, and there are times when I mull whether I really chose the right profession. At the end of the day, I always come to the conclusion that it's that one profession that you will always love and hate at the same time.

As of now, I already got the room decorated, I've prepped myself up for the challenges, but damn, don't I have any training, AT ALL. They say that it will all come naturally mainly out of responsibility, but damn again, how do I deal with a student who just gives notes to his teachers saying that he hates him/her? How do I deal with the unreturned reply slips? How many days should I wait for the said slips? Those things, it's those little things that I am most nervous about. And students will feel, will see that I am, flat on not ready. Because I am really not.

They always say that being given a form class is a compliment. But being put into the spotlight without any proper prepping is just plain scary. Being a form class teacher is a big responsibility, and I am very sure that people have always expected the best from me, however, I was never fully equipped with what I believe are the necessary things to go around and go about around in this responsibility. For one, I'm not even a senior teacher in the institution, nay, not even a junior faculty, I am a green horn compared to my colleagues, however, they expect that I am going to deliver the same excellence that they have which is, by the way, they have been practicing for a long time that they can do it with their eyes closed. It also doesn't help that if ever there will be any failures, it will be taken against me, when in fact I was never even trained properly.

I just don't like it.

I can deal with the workload, sure. Hell, I'm one of the most efficient teachers in my department, however, the prospect of dealing with these souls disturbs me. A LOT. The funny thing is that they think I'm just acting childish, but hell no, I NEVER HAD ANY CHANCE BEFORE TO DO THIS. I'm still in that process of learning the ropes of the institution, and yet they have given me another rope to deal with, a rope which I have no experience in my entire career. Layers and layers of ropes to learn, man. It's sickening.

That's the first rope.

2) The second rope is they have given me an organization to moderate. This one is at least a familiar territory. I was able to moderate an organization in my previous institution, albeit, a different one. But instead of dealing with facts, I'll be dealing with literary works.

Weirdly enough, this is what they have prepared for me to accept, and not the form class, which for me is just another piece of wood to the fire mainly because the latter is the more important one. They could have told me the form class first, the organization, second. But I don't know, I think they already have the inkling that I will be shocked to the point of malfunctioning if they told me the form class earlier, but that at least would minimize the damage.

Weirdly enough again, I am more excited with the organization that with the form class.

God give me strength and patience. I would really need it.